What can you do about loneliness?

Close friends?

How many close friends do you have? By ‘close’, I mean people, other than family members, in whom you can confide about deep or shameful things; people to whom you can turn when you need some help — not momentary help, but help which will require them to go to some trouble for you. 

A surprising number of people have few, if any close friends — and this is particularly an issue for young adults. 

Loneliness as a serious health problem

Loneliness is not a problem if it is fairly short term. It is an ordinary life experience; but chronic loneliness —  loneliness which is not just a temporary phase — is a serious problem. If you experience this kind of loneliness, have no close friends or maybe just one close friend, think of yourself as having a serious health problem, but one that is readily curable. 

Prolonged loneliness is likely to have profound impacts, not only on your mental health — feeling depressed for example — but on your physical health as well. Some experts have likened it to the health effects of smoking fifteen cigarettes per day. 

Tackling loneliness

How then can we address the problem of loneliness? The first thing is to recognise how serious a problem it is. You cannot tackle any issue in your life unless, first, you are ready to acknowledge it, and secondly you are motivated to do something about it. Just ask an alcoholic. 

A few ideas may help:

1. Get off your computer or smartphone more often. Computers and smartphones are an integral part of our lives and there is no point telling people to go back to the nineteenth century. As with so much else in our lives, the important thing is to achieve some balance.  Reducing your engagement with social media is very likely to improve your mental health. Research has shown that limiting social media use to about 30 minutes per day decreases depression and loneliness amongst university students. 
2. Find a community: You can’t form or maintain friendships from the isolation of your bedroom. Finding a community involves more than finding a group of people. Communities are typically formed around shared interests. A neighbourhood can be a community, if people are mutually invested in caring for the area and each other. A sporting team provides community. So does a church. In fact, most churches are very welcoming places. Just introduce yourself and say you are new here. People won’t ignore you if they know you are new or have only started coming recently. The minister will always be interested in meeting you. You don’t have to believe in order to attend, but you may find that you come to believe when you learn more about what the Christian faith is all about. 
3. Learn how to cope with social anxiety. A major problem in finding a community to which you can belong is social anxiety. The gregarious and socially confident are willing and able to join groups, even groups of strangers. But many others may find that too difficult. There is some wisdom in what Winston Churchill wrote, towards the end of his life: “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of an old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened!” Most of what we are anxious about never happens, and even if it does, it is usually not so terrible. Others are unlikely even to remember our momentary embarrassment after a while.
4. Invite people out for coffee or a drink: You will make a lot more friends if you are the one to take the initiative in getting to know others. It really doesn’t take much to ask someone out for coffee.
5. Actively pursue romantic relationships: No-one will go on a date with you if you don’t ask. And forget the old norm that men have to be the ones who ask women on dates. It’s all very well pursuing career success, but for most people that provides only limited life satisfaction. Our relationships, both in our families and our friendships, are what tend to matter most. In choosing people with whom we may want to explore a romantic relationship, character matters so much more than looks or prospects of financial success. A good person, caring, forgiving, empathetic, fun to be with, will be in the long-term a much better partner than someone to whom you are attracted for superficial reasons.
6. Look for helpful resources: You may benefit from help in addressing problems you have with making and maintaining friends. Lots of people struggle in this area. There is a wonderful new course you can do online called the Friendship Lab. It consists of a series of six video sessions. You can do it on your own, but it would be even better to do it in a group with others. 

Loneliness really is a huge problem; but it is not an insuperable one. It does however, take some initiative to deal with it. And for everyone — treasure your close friendships. Keep investing in them. They are such an important part of living well.

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A guest post by Patrick Parkinson, a member of the Holy Trinity Parish and the Executive Director of Publica, a policy and advocacy organisation dedicated to building strong families, friendships and communities.

A longer version of this article was originally posted on the CASE website, which you can read in full here: www.case.edu.au/blogs/case-subscription-library/the-social-isolation-of-young-adults

13 August 2025